I have been blogging, divulging since the end of 7th grade. Two months ago I graduated undergraduate and in a month will be transported - all doors open - to a dream I have dreamt day in, day out: to live in San Francisco, accepted into graduate school, recognized as a woman with words vocalized through the fingertips. Now the most difficult venture is living the dream.
This mind of mine is blank. I think static. Staring me down is an essay by Evan Eisenberg and Jeffrey Fisher tacked to the wall:
I don't know whether I have been feeling anything or nothing, which very well might feel like something or another. I do know I need to be stronger for all of us. Is that because I am narcissistic; thinking I can help you, help us. Period.
Point is I have been unwinding on the web for ten years. Maybe once you're netted, your caught for good. Harhar. But really, you can't erase your identity. Can't deny posts were your feelings, is your past. So I snooped around. And on the blog that I was actually drawling in a following - praised and absolutely defaced - website dedications - images generated for pro anorexia and asked to be in a published book - well, I ended that blog with an entry about an autobiography I was having to write at the time for my first NYU class. A few of the questions which were posted (recommendations for me to cover) were as follows:
2007-03-28 03:34 am
you are an amazing writer, so inspirational. and i adore your style. my random question is (i'm hoping you can answer) what are your traveling jet-set necessities? what do you wear on the airplane? i'm just dying to know. thanks!
2007-03-28 01:05 pm
What is your background gave you the innate inspiration to go above and beyond the average person, to make you who you are today. The high goals you set for yourself, is this because of your past or just who you are?
You move from school to school and major to major, continuously creating, is this because you want more? Why? (I think it adds to your character emmensly, always creating in a range of fields) Though I see you as an AMAZING writter beyond all.
Anorexia is linked directly to the personality of an overachiever. (Like myself) Putting pressure on yourself to be perfect, and from what age...? Is there something that brought all of this on? Things that lead up to it?
Good luck :) I cant wait to read it :)
2007-03-29 12:17 am
what were you passionate about as a child? what did you want to be when you grew up? has your relationship with your twin been affected by your modeling? you are a very attractive girl and i can imagine that it must be hard for her (she is cute as well of course), knowing that you are not identical and you have had modeling jobs, to watch your struggle with anorexia when so many consider you to be gorgeous.
2007-03-29 05:37
am does your boyfriend live in NY? if not, how is the long distance relationship going for you? do you believe he is "the one"?
2007-03-27 09:16 pm
where does your parents wealth come from? do you think it has spoiled you? do you think you would be as interested in fashion if you didn't have the funds to support it?
It's a hard call. My life goal is to effectuate a changed vision of one's self starting in youth. And as much as I would like to avoid visuals, I have to recognize that blogs and the media generate larger audiences when they do showcase the exterior. At the end of the day, my previous attention to such medium is why I had a following. A self-induced pressure that probably motivated me to plummet to 80 pounds. Anyway, I am going to look through files for the autobiography. I can't remember it because I hated myself and my blog for what it taught me about myself, and above all my online edited persona. But I owe my present and my future to it. I swore if I ever wrote again it would have to be different. And that difference provided me with two out of four graduate acceptances. And that initial confrontation with myself is what forced me to wake up, to bring whoever I am back to life.
This mind of mine is blank. I think static. Staring me down is an essay by Evan Eisenberg and Jeffrey Fisher tacked to the wall:
There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know." -Donald Rumsfeld.
I don't know whether I have been feeling anything or nothing, which very well might feel like something or another. I do know I need to be stronger for all of us. Is that because I am narcissistic; thinking I can help you, help us. Period.
Point is I have been unwinding on the web for ten years. Maybe once you're netted, your caught for good. Harhar. But really, you can't erase your identity. Can't deny posts were your feelings, is your past. So I snooped around. And on the blog that I was actually drawling in a following - praised and absolutely defaced - website dedications - images generated for pro anorexia and asked to be in a published book - well, I ended that blog with an entry about an autobiography I was having to write at the time for my first NYU class. A few of the questions which were posted (recommendations for me to cover) were as follows:
2007-03-28 03:34 am
you are an amazing writer, so inspirational. and i adore your style. my random question is (i'm hoping you can answer) what are your traveling jet-set necessities? what do you wear on the airplane? i'm just dying to know. thanks!
2007-03-28 01:05 pm
What is your background gave you the innate inspiration to go above and beyond the average person, to make you who you are today. The high goals you set for yourself, is this because of your past or just who you are?
You move from school to school and major to major, continuously creating, is this because you want more? Why? (I think it adds to your character emmensly, always creating in a range of fields) Though I see you as an AMAZING writter beyond all.
Anorexia is linked directly to the personality of an overachiever. (Like myself) Putting pressure on yourself to be perfect, and from what age...? Is there something that brought all of this on? Things that lead up to it?
Good luck :) I cant wait to read it :)
2007-03-29 12:17 am
what were you passionate about as a child? what did you want to be when you grew up? has your relationship with your twin been affected by your modeling? you are a very attractive girl and i can imagine that it must be hard for her (she is cute as well of course), knowing that you are not identical and you have had modeling jobs, to watch your struggle with anorexia when so many consider you to be gorgeous.
2007-03-29 05:37
am does your boyfriend live in NY? if not, how is the long distance relationship going for you? do you believe he is "the one"?
2007-03-27 09:16 pm
where does your parents wealth come from? do you think it has spoiled you? do you think you would be as interested in fashion if you didn't have the funds to support it?
I only replied directly to the last user: (Once I begin forming the autobiography, I will write detailed answers). But I have to respond to part of this now. I really am not at all that interested in fashion. I am interested in how it is capable of manipulating society. If I were to work in the industry it would be as a booking agent or doing critical essays as Susan Sontag did for Vogue (for example). I wear the same thing every day. And am rather boring in my dress. I have bought clothing once in NYC and woke up the next day wanting to return most of it.
It's a hard call. My life goal is to effectuate a changed vision of one's self starting in youth. And as much as I would like to avoid visuals, I have to recognize that blogs and the media generate larger audiences when they do showcase the exterior. At the end of the day, my previous attention to such medium is why I had a following. A self-induced pressure that probably motivated me to plummet to 80 pounds. Anyway, I am going to look through files for the autobiography. I can't remember it because I hated myself and my blog for what it taught me about myself, and above all my online edited persona. But I owe my present and my future to it. I swore if I ever wrote again it would have to be different. And that difference provided me with two out of four graduate acceptances. And that initial confrontation with myself is what forced me to wake up, to bring whoever I am back to life.
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