Read, Maybe (07.22.04)

July 22 2004
I feel like I've had some sort of self realization. This will probably be one of the honest tellings of myself that you may decide to skim over, ignore, or read feveriously. I'll tell you, a lot of me was wound up about coming to camp. I'd be around no one I knew - and for the first time in awhile, I'd be doing something completely on my own, starting out alone. I wasn't looking foward to that aspect of it for the reason I often hear some people use, which goes "no one knows you, you can be whoever you want to be." I didn't want to be anyone else or be the person I've always wanted to be. I was excited and anxious because I wanted to be comfortable and confident with who I was by the time I left. It was a lot to ask for, in three weeks I wanted the confidence that my insecurities wont bare out. And at the same time, ironically, I wanted to change. Yes, change - change what exactly? Oh I dont know, just a touch of my innerself and more of how people viewed me from the outside. I wanted so badly to be above, to have this thick shell that covered me from any potential hurt. I have these certain characteristics that make me who I am, that give me my edge, but that I just hate. Like how I feel so much for others, for myself.. it's pain it's happiness it's jealousy it's being proud of another persons accomplishment. I analyze, I worry because throughout the years I've felt like the people I started off being most confident with let me down so now I can never believe that what I see is how it really is. But now after all this yearning to change, to get rid of such flaws or maybe my real perfections, I see a different side to it. Why do I have to get rid of something? Maybe it's just how a person is, maybe it will always be in them and you can't work to get it to go away.. and maybe, maybe it's what makes you you. I can't really try and erase my sensitive, big hearted conscious - it's what makes me Chelsea, this emo tenacious altered perspective and deep hearted individual. And why should I look to change that? Just so the people who struggle against me or give me my insecurities THINK I'm above it all, that I'm okay with it, that it doesn't phase me? Bullshit, it would be me not being who I actually am - and after tiny games and altered personalities I've come to realize that people can't help but like me when I'm being myself and once I'm not, well that's when I loose people's interest - and maybe forever. And I've definitly made that mistake recently and I did it because I wanted to seem like I didn't care.

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A lot of this comes from me feeling like I have shit in place in my life. I've got something that I love, that I'm learning right infront of me - I have a path - I have something to go after and it feels better and better each day. It makes me think; Chelsea things are putting themselves in their place, things are taking off and you don't deserve to be around anyone that doesn't bring out the best in you - which are the times when I'm how I always was, the goofy happy Chelsea. And maybe with that I'll have to do what Andy Dick does and "clip" a few.

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Printing went great today - things may not be finalized but I'm seeing things take off - and I'm sensing improvement in myself. It's weird, there have been so many pictures taken of me or people that want to use me as a subject, we joke that maybe the gallery at the end of the program should be all the pictures taken of me. I mean it's stupid, but maybe I should stop looking at the little things that aren't perfect about me and look at the things that are and well like I said on the first day of class, beauty is about having flaws because it's what makes you perfect and what makes you an individual.