to find and find again.

I'm in Miami for Art Basel. It feels good to see how far the city has come in six years. Watched synchronized swimmers, art lazored on a side building, met a man with the most perfect teeth, pretended to talk art, talked about everything else instead, his having been a "Harvard nerd" appealed to me, he made it seem like it had conditioned him, I translated his labeling as innocence which - alas - is so difficult to find and/or keep, to my surprise Animal Collective was performing, went, felt like I was in an enormous tent in the black pitch of the night, bought a $15 Black Russian, watched video art explode in ecstasy across my eyes, talked drugs, living in the instant, my friend thought it was the worse music she had ever heard, I didn't think it was "depressing" I thought it was a climax, two men stopped me on the way out, talked astrology, tried to persuade me that Cancers and Geminis were made for each other, he kept folding his two hands together like flesh rubbing up against each other, I told him he didn't have to convince me, that I had experienced a Gemini and I would have the moments for life, saw more people, was put on video, whispered into my ear "Chelsea, I love your thoughts" I wondered whether he meant it to the extent it seemed, saw the Manhattan man now with a mustache, he messaged me and I saw he had wished me Thanksgiving which was neither here nor there, but I mentioned now was nice nonetheless, drove to the beach, saw another him outside the club, loved seeing him each time, knew I'd always think thoughtfully of him and remember how much my perception of him had been the opposite of who I experience him as, exemplifying why the exterior is no disclaimer, was led upstairs, I sat in the emerald chair in the office, was analyzed in a very provocative way, "Don't talk about what she looks like, her thoughts run deep," thought he was gorgeous, comforting but also the brother, I loved his height and his mannerisms, the confidence of his ease, his eye contact, the curiosity, the questions, the courage to know and ask, how when he spoke he didn't rush his words, said we had to find my friend, she was found, came upstairs, chewed me out, brought me downstairs, personally offended me and then the club which was also a stab to my friend's project, shouted this was who I was, who I had always been, it was always about me, pointed her down, backed into a corner, said she couldn't speak to me like this, couldn't say these things about my character now if she hadn't seen me since then, so many people watched, this had me feeling worse, petty, not who we are, the guys asked me if she was my girlfriend, that that was how it seemed, no she was projecting, wished she didn't feel alone, had silly string squirted at me and his brother, laughed saying these are the fun things which is why you've got to learn to let it go, finally got her on the dance floor and we were jumping in our heels till 4am, I wanted to see past it all, we had a thick history together and at the core I had brought her with me and bought her tickets for Saturday night's DJ because I wanted us to experience the moments that had always made us feel alive, said goodbye, he grabbed my neck, shouted how happy he was that I was staying till Monday, sounded like a kid, I thought I will always like you now, he messed up my hair, and I shouted this is what your club does to me, has me dancing hours and sweating every last drop, ate a brownie at a new corner joint with a guy I use to spend the "other" sort of time with, a girl he had showed up at my house with magically was sitting with her back turned to us, didn't recognize her, they both laughed like I was lying and concealing hidden remorse or envy, it wasn't that I just still couldn't get over how hard she seemed, I got to sit in the middle and listen to their back and forth, random lines back and forth like they had been in Kindergarten together, passing spoon fulls of brownie back and forth, thought how a year ago I'd be too bitter to be eating this but at this point in my life it was the third brownie I had eaten in 24 hours, which brought me back to the moment before I left the house and my father's friend sat with me on the couch and said he hadn't seen me happier, remembered me and my exboyfriend, how he saw what seemed like so much love, but thought I should be free, single, on my own, Yes yes I was happy I was, only stressed about work, he said I didn't know what stress is, I told him that was exactly what was stressing me out, back to the deli and the brownie and I am hearing his analysis of their entire engagement, and it sounds more egotistical then sentimental, tells me he has an affinity for her despite her being trash, it made me think of the guy I had seen before leaving Manhattan, who said he had an affinity for me, it was the first time I had heard the word used, I couldn't resist comparing the relations of these "affinities" and recognize their disparity, they said drastically different things about us, I sat there and thought three things: We all are contradictions, I'm confident with my instinct, and I'm so glad I'm over us.