04-20-2006

It's hard knowing how much I was lying then as a result of denial or had I always believed in myself and therefore, expected the best? I say it's hard knowing because after this entry I went from 115 to 84. I do remember the times I refer to well though. I remember when I said for the first time aloud I had been taking pills off and on for years. I was at dinner with Stephen, my mom and dad at The Setai in Miami. After completely altering the menu's ingredients to my liking and many glasses of red wine, I reached over to tell my mother. I remember looking over and seeing how engaged my father and Stephen were, how special the night felt, like we were one family and I remember believing everything would be okay, would only become better. I remember that day I woke up in Boston, how bright that small room of mine was and how I didn't reach over to swallow anything. I remember promising it would be the last time I allowed myself to diet. I remember thinking everything would be better, believing I would be healthy and that would be okay.

come out to a few of the closest people about this "huge concern" in respect to my sudden extreme weight loss. stares immediately began & startled voices sounded in my ears. i knew i wouldn't really be able to play it off. if no one thought i had a problem before, there was no way they wouldn't think there was a problem now. so ultimately, how would i go out for meals and not have anyone believing i was doing drugs or throwing up? the last night i was home, after a few drinks in me, i finally said it. for the first time -- to anyone. for the last five years i've had a terrible problem. i never thought i had an eating disorder, but i openly said i had an image perception disorder which i believed to be far worse than anorexia or bulimia. i wouldn't allow myself to sink to such levels of that. i thought they were weak - awfully & truthfully weak displays of an individual. it's all been a battle, but i know that if it wasn't for the last dreadful years, i wouldn't be who i am. i would be a free spirit without a care in the world; perhaps with no depth. when i gained all the weight 5 years ago, i felt out of control. and for five years i have been fixated on who i was then. the absolute center of attention. a complete free spirit. never aware of the perceptions others had on me. i was strong, i was confident, i was everything i wanted to be -- there were no limits. i was climbing the latter in the modeling industry & yet, i ate my heart out & i didn't understand why anyone could ever worry about their image. i remember it so well. and then, then it was all taken from me. the life was sucked out of me & for the first time in my life, i felt out of control. i realized that some how your image does define you somehow, some way in the eyes of others. i began hearing the betrayal in (even) friends voices about my new look. my chubby cheeks, the way my stomach rolled. it pained me. i had to leave the agency & leave a dream behind. soon enough, i decided i had to cut out junk food. start off small & results were made.. but nothing really. one day, i stumbled upon pills. i saw someone else taking them & saw what a difference they made & that how when she gave them up, she went back to her old way. i began smuggling the pills & they worked. every time i ate, i didn't feel that bad.. because i was taking these miracle pills. i took them religiously & at times not so much because of how expensive they were, the guilt, & my own natural worry for my health. so for five years, i was off & on with them. i hid them & if i was ever confronted (which some how managed to only be twice) i would find them in the trash bin & take as many as i could before anyone saw me. but after five years, my body wasn't responding to them. i was terribly depressed about it. i thought about my weight every other minute, i swear you, every other minute. i wanted to shatter the glass that let me see myself. i knew i was capable of all my dreams, mentally, but physically i couldn't believe in myself & so i let dreams decay with time. but the pills gave me hope. when i came to boston my happiness was so momentary. i felt the most out of control of myself than ever. i couldn't control my environment & i felt like if i wasn't growing intellectually & insightfully, then i mine as well work from the outside in. and so i began experimenting by taking three different pills at the same time. everyone always made comments about how healthy i ate.. condescending remarks & all i could think was, I AM EATING give me that credit because if i wasn't i'd look the way i wanted & then i'd feel the way i did & then i could be who i had been planned to be. i fell asleep starving, i'd work out everyday, i'd have to drink myself to sleep to not think about the hunger all the pills were causing me, & i'd wake up & race out to breakfast - take down bowls & bowls of oatmeal. it was a cycle of thought, addiction, and guilt. spring break it hit me that i had to stop this addiction. i couldn't go on living like this. i'd kill my heart & there was no results as much as i'd like to hope for. i don't know how i've done it, but somehow five years later (almost 6) i woke up & didn't allow myself to reach for a bottle. i knew what i was risking.. what every pill popper worries; that without the pills i'd gain pound after pound & just swell up. well, somehow it has been just the opposite. people think i'm disengrating right in front of their eyes & yes, maybe it has been a bit shocking, i don't know. it's hard to explain it, but after years of pills - my body going up & down - my metabolism racing & telling me how badly i needed food - well now my appetite is very, very small. the smallest meal satisifies all my senses. fruits... vegetables... spices. i just love it, but with that comes questioning. i wish people wouldn't worry though. i'm finally off pills & now i'm just taking the consequences of them. but i've never been happier. it is almost like a spiritual clensing. i'm in control now, not a pill. and i feel like i may be able to do just what i had to leave off. having to come clean about these things is no fun. admitting that i was so weak behind everyone's back doesn' feel good, naturally. everyone feels dumb when i was clearly the child. but now everyone's watching me, forcing food down my throat when my body tells me i'm fine with what i have eaten. my mom wants me to get blood work done & everyone wants weight put back on. but i just want everyone to not worry. for the first time i'm happy, alive, and unreliant. i believe in myself. & at the same time, it needs to be understood that putting on the weight that i was unhappy with won't solve anything. why try & make me do pills again? as long as i am not depriving my body & am eating. as long as i feel good & as long as i am not depriving myself of life then i can breathe.. for the first time.

i want everyone to know the dangers you potentially face by relying so heavily on something & someone. my mouth bled terribly, i lost no weight, worked out like mad, & thought about weight every other minute. i urge you all to love yourself. i've always be envious. believe in who you are & never let yourself depend on anyone but the mind, if at all.