First Semester Freshman

Packing for Miami. Siggy situated herself inside the suitcase. Found another journal. Recycled pages, a quilt cover, only 14 pages used. The 14th said: "Mend my mind! 5 days Miami. I NEED IT NOW." I want my emotions to change but they don't, as much as I think they have. 

August 26 2005 - November 12 2005

I miss ash locks, untouched and free.

I miss pictures not being measured by beauty, but by the awakening of a moment.

Now the camera clicks and I wonder..."If someone else sees this would they desire the eyes staring back?"

I miss not knowing danger, the addiction of sexuality and acceptance. 

I miss being light and in love with no one. No one other than the boy that swung on the swing.

Some days I am...

Brave enough

Tortured enough

Hopeful enough

Desperate enough

I find myself with pants curled around my ankles, staring with disbelief into the mirror.

This is the moment that I find hatred in the depths of eyes. The moment where I watch stardom slip from palm.

I know that with insecurity one's feet become cemented; their heart shallow yet drowning in discouragement. 

And I, I want to say fuck you 'dream'...because I'm done with dreaming. I want it to be real. But I'm naked. I'm insecure. 

Christian showed me what it was to hold love, yet let it go when loved the most...

He got me to understand what it was to 'Eat, Breathe and Live' what one strives for...

He made me realize how imperative it is to offer something as a person...

He showed, got and made sometimes by not saying anything at all.

He will leave his mark by action - alone.

* Never be too busy to laugh.

Never be too old to live.

Never be too arrogant to change.

- Mistakes take us to our finest -

Reminded of purity and the perfection of imperfection.

The safeness a sheltered mind offered.

Before the danger of sex, the ladder of experience - one

fall and she breaks her neck!

With age, the welcoming to

A world of self pursuit, 

indulging on tactics to a 

quote - unquote Better Life,

so to speak.

Weighing the benefits against

the costs, advantages

versus disadvantages to get us

through the day in hopes of 

racing to the end of a better

life...?

Reminded of silent beauty

at laughing at wind,

but not behind someone's 

back. Funny where age takes us...

Why is it time to grow up?

I haven't even experienced my first day of college...and I already hate it.

I am still a little child at heart. And it isn't to say that I can't handle the world on my own... no. 

I'm just not ready to say my goodbyes to the times that should last forever. 

Why did I worry when all I had to do was smile?

* Today was the first time I thought this:

Maybe we don't chose love but love chooses us.

Or at least the timing of it all.

We have two options:

1. To run with it, open to the potential mistake - "the bending or breaking" of a choice.

2. To bury faces into sand, remain immobile, let lust stir heart instead of love making heart beat.

I woke to a message from Christian, "Why can't I allow just one more time for us?"

...Is love turning off or on?

* Or do something that's never been done...

Criticism as inspiration.

I feel like I've forgotten what it is to be a kid, an adolescent...

young and immature. 

The truth is people have been telling me for years that I take myself and that/those around me too seriously.

But now it is more than ever.

I'm critical. 

I expect people to be in line, aware and maybe not here for the journey but to know their destination (?)

[I guess] I feel like most people have so so so much growing up to do. 

And I'm just especially use to choosing who I am around.

And now I have less ability to do that. 

It took me years to find:

Stephanie 

Margot

Allison

Such insightful, composed individuals.

And now there is Scott...who probably really drove such high behavioral standards home.

He is 24 and these people are 18...oldest 22. 

Many haven't been exposed to the reasons for maturity. And then again most don't want to. 

They just aren't in the rush. 

Knowing certain scenarios of behavior from back home makes it harder to accept the ones I'm experiencing/witnessing now. 

Many want the casualties, the ease, the aloofness that comes with the unaware. 

Maybe the answer is:

Who can blame them?

Verging on inescapable tears.

Truth: Incompatibility is a possibility for two young hearts. 

You know what I enjoy...

No one seems to know about my relationship.

It's like the one thing in my life that isn't publicized.

It's a strange sensation that it is all for me,

when I'm usually so open. Weird? It is the way

things are supposed to be. 

Mend my mind!

5 days Miami.

I NEED IT NOW.

...I mine as well be the same person. ha ha ha.