Listening to Silence.

I've graduated and my next step is turning the inner outward, to vocalize, articulate, to risk.

Listening to someone else, you may hear what you aren’t able to say yourself. The most startling realization in the last days: How blocked I am, how I have been postponing feeling really for another. I know I've said it before, multiple times, that I have been numb. No one believes me. But it's the truth. I am moved inwardly, but outwardly I've avoided for years now what this means or where it comes from. I go to dinner parties. In corners, we converse - urgently. We both ask: Who am I? We both agree, by now we are use to asking questions and forgotten how to answer. I acknowledged this really for the first time a few days ago. I have wanted to, but I haven't because I know the process it takes to be yourself with no excuse (ie. I am shy, I am distracted by work, if he was my type he'd bring me out of myself). Are these not the excuses I've given to myself? And really, the only purpose they have served is not rising to the challenge. I seem unstable I am sure: all the unexpected crying, but I don't expect it either. Honest. I'm not familiar with tears, letting myself cry. I may not be able to speak on behalf of them, but I do know they don't mean I am sorry, that I am sad, but that I am scared this shows - this means - I am feeling. And I don't know where that will take me. Such honesty sounds weak I am sure, which is why I become abstract (I don't know, don't want to be known for not knowing, question question question). Intimately (in writing and/or through physicality) I appear as a child who has no clue of herself. This has silenced me; I will write later.