Same day Different year.

Thumbed through envelopes of 1998 photographs last night. Convo: 'Wearing one pieces then, just like you do now. Have you ever worn a bikini?" No, never. (thinking, well yes, those few times I let myself when I was skin, when I was bone). "Why not?" I hate myself in them. "So I have to get you to a private beach." Those are my two fears. "What?" Bikinis and beaches.

I was stupid saying any of these things. Then today I checked out my journal entry from June 9 2004. I need documentation because past is proof. I need to take time by the balls and overcome myself. I've gotten better. There's a certain quickness that has surprised me. Call it love. Call it growing up. I'm opening up to what I'm not. Because I actually care. Maybe about him. Maybe about me. The next step I know I need to take to be better, to be - well - rounded.

The entry begun as follows. I was at Sanibel Island:

2004 June 09

"I hate bathing suits. I try really hard to be confident. But then things convince me otherwise, like mirrors, that I'm just gross. & no matter what people tell me, no matter who they are, I think they are lying. I think they are just worried & trying to feed me words I'll believe, but I don't. I will tell you that I am eating better than I have been since freshman year. I don't count calories or eat small amounts. I do not have a disorder, at all, just an image issue. The point of this was to express my desire to start working out once I get home. Not only do I love working out (it's a great feeling to have a routine) but it's a great way to release pent up anger? Hah, which I have none of, of course."

Same day. Different hour:

"BASICALLY, HI LOVES

Ive been having an AMAZING time. Friday & Saturday was rough. I felt like I could cry at a drop of a pin. I was down & yet now everything has completely cleared up. I'm really happy. PERIOD. Being here is exactly what I said it would be before I left. Something I needed. It's great to be away & realize that you d-o n-o-t need to rely on anyone. Or more over, I don't need anyone to be happy. I don't feel like anyone has this control over me anymore, I'm just more or less above it. Them. Him. Her. Whoever. BEING ON THE BOAT & TUBING are possibly the greatest feelings of life. It does sound extreme, hahha, but honest. I love being on the boat, listening to music, it gives me 793749 reasons to really go check out San Diego. ANYHOW, I really love my black nails, my rainbow belt, my pointy bracelets, my 70s glasses, & my new pin (Thank you Alli) "BE NICE TO YOUR ENEMIES, IT FUCKS WITH THEIR HEAD" THIS HAS BEEN WONDERFUL <3"