ConTROL

I can’t be sure that one is ever prepared for all of life’s tangles. Sure we may be more educated, thicker skinned or more aware than prior to the time but ultimately, we don’t know what will be given and/or taken from us and therefore, we will always be in for a surprise. We will always feel a bit unbalanced. We will always feel an unexpected rush at least once during the stretch of a given time. I could write twenty pages, easily, on the past month. And I am positive that even I would be surprised by the meditation, the reflection, the final realization. When I write I always lack complete control of myself. I am changing—the words, the compilation of the words are altering my immediate “I”—I don’t know where I am going, what I am getting to nor what I will discover. But I do know that I am uninhibited, which perhaps is an even more intimidating process and outcome. The initial thoughts, the chosen words, the produced meaning are ultimately mine and therefore, I must take credit for them, I must stand behind and before them and all the inadequacies I am sure readers read into. Nothing is perfect, nothing can’t be challenged, everything should be a work in progress.

I digress, but of course that rambling was specific to the fleshing out of some other idea. I guess what I mean to say, in some backwards way, is that this break revolved around being out of control—wanting, needing to have things out of my control. For example, at a more surface level, I needed to come home, indulge, not be concerned with racing to a gym and enjoy that—not panic, not despise the changes that could ultimately occur, but just be rational, be youthful, live in and by the moment. And alas, I finally did. I am the healthiest feeling (mentally) and looking (physically) than I have been in seven years. And I’m proud, proud that I finally believe the world won’t stop or change if you just let go a bit.

During the countdown to 2008, I couldn’t stop myself from repeating “oh no” “I can’t believe it” over and over. I was struck and stuck on the realization that I was in the final seconds of 2007. Anyone that is close to me knows just what a whirlwind 2007 was for me—the year of extremes, the year of the superstitious number 7 and how it followed me everywhere. When the year changed numbers it was an easy way of trying to force myself out of that year’s mentality—it was time to let go of the time. And by letting go I was able to fall into other things that I didn’t and shouldn’t have complete control over. Things that I didn’t look to judge and by not doing so, was surprised by. Tomorrow morning I leave Miami and head back to Manhattan with a mind full of memories of experiences I all wanted to be a part of. And most importantly, looking back and looking forward are all aspects I have to genuinely smile about.