Risky Business

I know I could dedicate hours to reflecting then writing over all that has happened in the past days. So much goes missing in even a daily journal, that I worry that they have gone missing from my mind's memories as well. The idea that I can't or that it will be difficult to retrieve instances and emotions that I felt seems like self-sabotage.

In class I found myself philosophizing the term "thought." I am feeling more and more that thought (noun) and to think (verb) transmute themselves into actual beings. I look to personify Thought and explain that it lives as a separate being from oneself. We form a relationship with it; always attempting to grasp, understand and have it be a part of us. But it is entirely separate from us. And that is why when I think or I reflect over my thoughts, I find myself looking out at 'some thing' that is not inside of me but is at a distance from me. And then this weekend, I found myself subscribing the same meaning to a relationship. A relationship that I find impossible to gain entrance back into. The memories are hazy. They were there, I know this. But I don't know exactly what was taking place. And in the process of what will be the memory, I know I am completely emerged and intoxicated by what is being said, expressed and confessed. I remind myself to remember, remember, remember it all. And because I feel so awake, so alive in the moment, I am confident I will remember the moment more than most anything. But the next day or even minutes later, I feel as though I have awaken either from a dream or have awoken into the phase of another pattern of sleep. I can't remember what went on, I can't hear what had been said and it is if I had been heavily intoxicated that I wake in a fog of remembrance.

All I can figure is that just as thought can exist as a being outside of yourself, a relationship can too. Even though it is you that is a central figure. Maybe this happens when your thoughts overpower your actions? When your thoughts collide and disturb the truth of the memory? All possibilities. But I still feel almost regret and frustration that I can be removed from a relationship and have it exist separate from me, confined and protected in a glass house. I can't break through it, but am left trying to gain entrance.

In brief, I left the Weinstein Company on Friday because I got hired to be an assistant to a producer. Long, crazed story, that I will tap back into at some point. Working one on one is the interaction I need. I want to be stronger and more successful of a presence. I want to continue to take pride in my opinions and rationalizations and I think the intimacy of working personally with another will develop these wishes. One thing that really made me keen on placing my 'power' elsewhere was when Human Resources called me in and said that I was a distraction at work due to appearance and clothing. Buuuullshit. After putting two and two together and knowing that I never dress risque, it was obvious how threatened others can be of self-confidence or more importantly, awareness. The fact that I was told that I should change this was wrong. Presence should not be constricted, it should be...presented. Sooo, I am looking forward to this new experience. Also, on whim I sent photos of myself into a casting for a film. They said they were looking for "hipsters," so I made a big joke out of the whole thing and said I wasn't a hipster but a hip star. Turns out I got picked and will be filming from 4:30pm till 7am today. I am trying to reserve some form of energy that is not within myself and restrain from letting in nerves take the best of me.

My dad thinks I am going way too fast. I am. But I have to take advantage of my youth's energy and excitement. I'm really taking risks... not worried about getting denied and expecting to come out better than as I went in. Ever since I have been more honest and upfront with how and who I am, I have been surprising others and maybe even myself. More on...more...later.