Walking On

What happens when the relationship ends but the romance still proceeds? Whether this is you or your other trying to preserve something that has already begun to decay is not what I wish to draw attention to. But another half question. One of the worst truths you have to face when the end of a relationship has been decided but the romance continues is whether each time will be the last time. I remind myself of this at the last moment of every engagement. Just as I am thinking to pull away, I feel like I have to hold on just a moment longer. Long enough that it seems appropriate for the standard that has been set. I wonder is this me wanting to kiss him longer? Or is this me not wanting to not kiss him again?

Walking home today, I finally saw a couple outside of this apartment building I live next to. I have always wondered who lives inside of it. I think everyone that lives on the block does. I can’t help but always stare inside, curious and envious. The place is immaculate, grand, shiny. And I can’t help but be convinced that those that live inside must be too. Each day as I walk by, I hope that I can afford myself that. That I can do the work I love and live feeling proud--- with my curtains always pulled open to the street below. Finally walking by today, I saw a man saying goodbye to a younger woman. She, she seemed like a love interest. I never imagined that all the times I had looked inside the place. I pictured marriage. But by the way she just dangled there, outside his door as he kept the door open with one foot, swinging back and forth. I could tell that this relationship was not yet stabilized. He kissed her bye and just by the way she waited there, you could tell that she wasn’t sure if she would be back. And so, just as he was closing the door, she took the leap… the chance… and kissed him again. I looked down at the flowers I had just bought myself and laughed. Laughed at myself, perhaps the irony and laughed at the possibility, the chance, of our kiss having been our last.

Maybe you should always take the second leap. Maybe you should always say with a kiss, goodbye twice.