again.

yesterday was filled with fathers who made the choice to begin their weekend a day early, and spend the afternoon with their sons and daughters throwing snow and running around their very own snowmen. the day felt all attaining. last night, i arrived home and heard the words i will forever fear--words that left me as cold as the outside air, between the walls of where ever i tried to go. i fell on to my bed earlier than i ever have in my entire life. i cried with my entire body, for my entire body, against my entire body. this will be something i never win, something i will forever be up against, a challenge that will have me always feeling handicapped. i haven't cried for something or for myself in so long, but last night i cried, i hung up the phone on a desperate scream and i said, "no not again. i can't let this, again."

on top of everything, all my files are currently being "used by another user" and my iPod has failed on me again. pretty soon, all i have ever worked on will be not accessible.