in&out

On certain days, it is often that I will surprise her with a visit inside her room. Twins know each other, and I know that she is not particularly good with silence—despite whatever she may request at times. So I will come in with a knock, disrupting the silence that sits still around her form, this weapon she has held against her. It pains me to see the pressure of the world trembling on her lip—how words stretch and fall, desperately. Silence isn’t good for her; the low hums of her mind. The loyalty to a day, when you dedicate yourself to one thing and have it occupy you—just doesn’t make her fill full. And now I am here, on the opposite side of the space, wondering if I too should gather the world and have it stand on my shoulders until I sink below the ground. Our day was closely related, not altogether reflective of the same mirror, but similar enough to give no compare. Why must a single day that is absent from chores and rituals end with the belittlement of self-worth? Why must one feel the need to exchange their image come the closure of a day? One can feel all sorts of things when living parallel lives to another. Should my happiness be questioned or retracted from me because I read and wrote in my apartment through the day and demanded nothing more “socially impressive”? Who is to say—whom is judging? If someone were capable of peering in, pulling back the curtains to my life and watching a scene from my day would one be amused, baffled or bored? And if so, how could it even matter. The judgment of another is often exaggerated and often far from any totality of the subject’s self. To know of another is to have seen a glimpse—to understand the other is to have seen a collection of glimpses and have let them reflect off the perspective of one’s eye. The latter takes commitment and even compromise, whereas the other is entirely self-involved. I must keep strong in my ways, not question the immense alternatives that spiral before me and call for me to come. I must stay pleased (if it remains the way I feel) and not deregister from my state of mind just because the rhythms of another, fluctuates. I must keep the energy rising for my head feels high in success.