to lala land i go.

In a few hours, I board and fly to LA. I always feel transported in time when I travel. None of it ever seems to really be happening, or my participation in the event seems displaced. Upon returning, I always end up questioning whether I actually went—did I already leave? is it over? or am I still waiting to go? Especially in LA—a place already jammed with memories and heightened sensations. It is or rather, feels, as it is often impulsively described: a dreamland. Even the roads are designed like racetracks. Everything feels like a breeze.

I’ve been nervous about going though. My dad said, that when you are nervous about something then that is the thing you do. I have to agree; the more you do, well, the better you get. More or less, the nerves are generated by expectations. Not wanting anyone to have expectations of me and me looking to have no expectations of anything either. Things must happen, people must be and excuses should never be used.

Then there is my mom who relates nerves to excitement, which too is entirely true. See the only way I can make decisions is by impulse—actions not ruled by thought or time. Like Berlin, less than half an hour to decide whether I fly, transfer, fly, find a hotel and travel alone. The excitement aroused by possibility, where energy takes the place of thought was the only way I decided to go to Berlin (and thank God, I did). Fifteen seconds, $500 to rebook train to Amsterdam, yes or no. Yes. Done. Gone. It all comes down to experience. As a writer, one can’t say no to sights, to other worlds. It is the material we use for invention.

And so I am off, alone. And then I realize why I am actually flustered with nerves. Because I am giddy for the time that is about to come (when aside from going to set at Universal for the film that is in production) to be around two people that are especially special to me. One whom makes me laugh hysterically, genuinely smile and all in all gives me a bit of that glow. And another, whom I have admired and felt connected to from the moment I met him. Both, different, but both I am able to seriously engage with. At times the way I live my life can feel removed and I can be alone in my independence. But then there are the moments to come, times you may travel to, that bring all you lay grounded in together—and those are the experiences of reward.

~ ~

hello there,
i noticed you're coming to LA in a few weeks. i know we don't know each other and this is completely unlike me to send a msg. like this. you seem like a romantic, compassionate person and i know you had that boyfriend for quite some time, so you might understand my position, being very much in love with _____ who i have been dating for almost a year. i know you and ____ in the past have been in some sort of communication, and i would really appreciate if you didn't even attempt in contacting him while you are out here. i don't deserve to be hurt, and being a young lady with your attributes and intelligence, i hope you can understand and respect that. thanks chelsea

Unfortunately, to the misfortune of others, within moments of confirming I was going my inbox flagged with delivery. If this were the first time this has happened, than maybe I would have written back—perhaps, as impulsively as the individuals who write messages like these. However, this is not the first nor close. It is slightly distressing how communication is used nowadays, vehicles like Facebook hinder any emotional maturity and disadvantage those who use it as an instrument of identity, yet contradictory hide behind it because supposedly within a click of the mouse, one is instantaneously connected to another. I hope for their sake, that in due time they will try resolving any issues within the frame of a confrontation that requires actual presence. Also, my head spins. Am I missing something? How am I dragged into the personal dramas of people I am not involved in the lives of (to my knowledge). Must I wear a sign that explains my general disinterest in not only the triangle of others, but them singularly as well. Another problem with Facebook: one becomes “friends” or exists within the same network, and all of a sudden one is expected to take notice of the minute mentions of their ever expanding existence. Aye, I digress, it just makes me more critical of the maturity and judgment of others, and the judgment that they hold over me. It makes me want to shake people that are in these relationships and instead of evaluating their behavior, they are evaluating others and then using it as an excuse for when they or their partner hasn’t measured up. Want to know why my relationship was successful when it was? Neither of us looked for excuses. And when the security was low or I questioned the relation, I listened to myself and let go. People are afraid of being alone and so they hold on (for longer than they are comfortable with) and it only suffocates and strangles the memory of what had been successful.