07.08.08

I feel contained—self enforced. I feel I won’t release the tension that consumes me, that closes me in. I have digressed. I feel I have. I speak less. Sometimes—most times—I just do not know what it is we are talking about, or rather why it is we are taking about such a thing. I know it is because our time together is more limited, so there is a mixture of expectation, intensity, plea for depth, bond and relief. But I feel inside my self when I am supposed to be outside. We talk and then we end on a disagreement and all I have to say afterwards is that we were talking just to talk, discussing just to discuss and it was a disagreement because we never cared to actually involve ourselves in the discussion.

I am just anxious to finally get to Miami. I have a strange idea that once I am there I will be able to gain control over myself. Have clarity, feel less pressure, breathe better. But who knows. I need to be proactive if I want the change to occur. A month and a half ago, I had a breakdown and thought Miami was an immediate answer. I talked about even signing up for a program while I was there to talk about weight and my never ending fight against it and myself. I want to be better so I can live freely and so I am better to be around. I have been feeling so not engaging. My sister and I have been fighting for the last ten days. That is another story, but it doesn’t help. The separation will be good and that is another large reason I am coming to Miami. I need time to regain my esteem, my self-belief and a healthier mind so I can continue my dreams, my production, my activity and find a balanced lifestyle in Manhattan. I don’t want to just live there, I want to be living there.