in general

sitting at dinner, i could see them - without turning my face to look - watching me as i spoke elsewhere. i had noticed them doing it the day earlier, as i sat around the circle table trying to play host. it wasn't some paranoia of others possibly observing or simply listening to me, but it was a wonder if they were observing something new, perhaps someone different. and then she leaned over to me on the right - i was sitting at the head of the table. "i feel we are seeing a different you." my face froze, i lost all ability to act smoothly or at all. it was her certain way of framing the comment - as if not to say, we feel you have changed but we feel you have personas, and this is one we had not known. yes i fear i am a bit more shy, i responded. she continued, "it was always just so wonderful to see you with him. you were so comfortable, natural. it was such an understanding relationship." i knew this had been what she was thinking. i knew and silently feared whether i had (in an obvious way) grown different now separated from the relationship. in terms of days, it is so distant from this present moment and yet, i get reminded and questioned about it at random. i only have one response and it is the same one i told her, there is a playfulness i have when i am within a relationship. i don't miss him. i miss that part of myself. the playfulness that keeps me young.

i'm turning 21 tomorrow. i hate birthdays. it is like valentines day or new years eve - this pressurized expectation to be happier than you have been. and with birthdays comes the supposed dedication to yourself an involvement around you, which i am also uncomfortable about. however, if there is one wish i can make and one way i can hope to see myself within the year, it is to focus my mind within the moment, let the outside drop away and to be looser, to feel myself come free.

an awakening i had when i was in my writing program last month was when writing/speaking to not assume that others desire things so different from myself. in other words, generalizations. assumptions that make myself sound arrogant. it is difficult. it is difficult "saying it as it is" and at the same time being sensitive. the line in my in-the-making-novel was: claudelean and llurence were possessed by a desire to communicate ideas and experiences. they did not disguise their thoughts and were not insecure with the exposure of their feelings. they did not talk about people, unless they were discussing themselves.

he circled the passage with a note, "wait. doesn't everyone want this." it was true. these two characters were not superior to anyone else. their desire was basic and yet, i was using it to make them important. i have so much to learn. he also said in discussion that he believed these two characters would have the most successful relationship only with each other. they were sensitive, mysterious, passionate, intellectual, relatable yet their love worked best when it was used on each other.

i wanted to laugh, but it may have been fake or just forced. it is often agreed that an author's first novel is the most autobiographical.