a journal at 17.

i found an old online journal on blogger of mine. i didn't remember having it - and if i had i never would have remembered the blog's name - but somehow, in a backwards fashion, i came across it. i was 17 when the few entries were written. these things remind me that maybe as much as we may want to change, we don't. we just become more of what and who we are.

march 08 2005, in rhyme we have reason

most of the time i feel as though the only way anyone can understand or know me is through my written words. it is my only honest voice. i cringe when i speak; astonished by my chosen words or the lack thereof. i find myself to be terrible with verbal communication, yet in type i can reason, i can come to conclusions, i can have opinions, i can persuade, i can just be me. i suppose this is the result of some underlying barrier i have forced upon myself; ultimately due to some bitter experience. last night i said that conversation was fake. that it is piled down with barriers &that i hardly believe in it. &for the time being i will keep to that, i will continue to write as if my only audience is my own eyes rereading each line, &i will continue to put myself in situations/experiences that force me to feel, understand, &create a perspective. because for the time being turning experience into written words is my only way of communicating, correctly. this journal will be everything. another way in which i expose myself, for myself &whomever. another attempt at tearing down some barrier &at understanding myself better, so i can be..that much more.