thought keeping.

yesterday, he mailed me a letter i wrote him. he said he saved it and had just reread it. it truly touched me and this was because when i had originally sent it to him, i had not gotten much of a response and had worried he had taken offense to it. it goes to show you, you never know when, where or why you may effect someone and you never know at what corner of their heart they may be keeping you or your words.

april 16, 2008, the letter was this:

thank you for always making it special. there is a quote, "i feel i could never possibly love anyone wasn't distinguished." and although it can be at first recognized as sounding pretentious, i do believe it - you are very special and i love you and your personality. regardless of any feelings that "could have been burt" at that italian restaurant we went for lunch, i enjoyed listening to you - and believed every word you said. i really see that your best interest is in making everyone happy, and that having to make the decisions, too, is bound to make someone -anyone- feel short changed. there was an article in the new york times last week about two very successful but criticized fashion designers. the reporter explained, "but, in a business of illusions and self-denials, it is interesting and even brave that they are willing to put themselves out there and invite the judgmental people to make judgments." such is life - even the very few closest to us will make judgments, but if you continue to have good intentions, it will never be at the expense of your success. you have the best intentions and it will always bring about success.

cheena.


i remember the day the letter was reflecting on. it was lunch at an italian restaurant in the italian section by soho, manhattan. italian is my least favorite food, the restaurant seemed depressing before we even sat down and we laughed in prediction that this wasn't going to go over well. it hadn't. i remember the tension and having to avoid the self-consciousness of any other families or couples looking at our table and how broken we seemed. i remember sealing back the tears and removing myself to the restroom. i remember coming back and listening to him speak as he buttered his bread, repetitively in nervousness. i remember knowing that i was listening -entirely and with complete interest- for the first time. i remember the sincerity of emotions his words induced. i remember hearing his strength become him. i remember watching his strength. i spoke up really for the first time and sided with him. we left and walked through the maze of manhattan, hoping to get lost, hoping to find ourselves. but we avoided everything and it made me uncomfortable and so i left - not wanting to cry, not wanting to face the secrets that were being revealed. he left and a few days later i sat in class reading the newspaper, secluded, isolated in my mind but entirely aware of specific surroundings (this is something i can't avoid, though i wish i could). the article moved me, despite it being about the fashion business and designers i thought were -in terms of celebritism- selling their pride. the next night i sat on my bed with a pile of clippings substituting a bedspread. i wrote him that message, needing him to know that i was listening to him and that my "thoughtfulness" was not only for personal things within my interior but were the displays of my exterior environment, as well. i wished so badly that i could explain to anyone and everyone, but him mainly, that i have grown quiet, shyer and perhaps more self-aware than i have ever been. i wanted the explanation to be an apology for no longer being as willing to speak and reflect on just anything. but i knew that this change had been my decision - and even though i was not entirely comfortable with it, i was consistently becoming more specifically that way. i never provided an explanation. instead i provided a quote and the truth is i have a book of quotes i have been keeping - and may have a quote for each fitting mood - and it is when i share and send a quote to another that i wish them to know they are often within my thoughts when i am reading the words of a mind and most moved (but i so rarely send quotes because there are just a few i think so constantly of).

the moment i understand her in my mind, i embrace her fully married life, a film.