narrate in I for me to know.

last night's happening ended at 7:30 am. dancing then dialogue on thought, feeling, action. boy meets girl. open, candid, let me hear truth. woke by ten. sour stomach, now brunch and final day. leaving with others mad at me. live, learn, try to not let yourself be insensitive twice. but being brave is never easiest. how to be not so serious, but not careless either? staring up at sky yesterday all day - after morning, noon, after noon - asked aloud how to process any and all of this. coconut water cascading down skin. i tried to be in moment, let myself be there, found it difficult to not touch back, to not want to - impossible even. steam room, lying on marble, woman scratching scuds off skin, watched bright light expand through mist, heat pulling over memory, a sort of embrace. i told manager how good it was to live, how i felt if left inside that steam one could think only of another world. invented, possibly unreal. he said take these words, the freeing of the day, and have them always. i said writing lets experience not be feeling for only i, but others, let them have this day too in other way. a translation of intangibility to materiality of text on page. i thought it may feel easier leaving now. light and in the air. content and on the ground. but i still have the emotion i acted on not feeling. others told me on my last night i was disrespectful, that even on my vacation they can't agree with the party girl here for being in the time but not the thought. live, process, learn. live to have, write to feel, know for being better to all. 

My narrator is not me. But I will write pretending she is I, that I am her. The closer I am to the feeling the further I come to catching a certain truth. And that is what this writing needs. What the reader reads for, too. Comes curiously upon the page, between words, space of secrets subtly revealing selves. All relations are investments, constantly made and dealt. But, please, patience present or absent, learning is hard to deal. A moment ago I knew less then instant of now, only imagine if you were I, how mentally emotional I am being because all moment is changing me ceaselessly.